Thinking positively about yourself

If you often feel annoyed at yourself and think you're useless or stupid, you may have low self-esteem. Dealing with these feelings can be hard, especially if you've just been made redundant, can't find a job, or are having trouble getting on the course you want to do. But there are ways to start being positive about yourself.

"Not having a positive view of who you are is a self-fulfilling prophecy"

Positivity problems?

"Not having a positive view of who you are is a self-fulfilling prophecy," warns Carmelina Lawton-Smith, senior lecturer at Oxford Brookes University and an independent development coach. "If your state of mind is: 'I won't get this job/no one wants me/I'm useless,' then all you are doing is sending out a negative message about yourself to the world."

But what can I do about it?

The most important thing to do is to pay attention to the way you think and talk about yourself. Are your negative feelings really logical? So you haven't got the last three jobs you went for – does this really mean you'll never work again? So people don't always smile at you - does this really mean you're not a likeable person? "These are not logical deductions," says Carmelina. "The two facts are not linked – even if you feel they are."

Take a moment to think about your negative beliefs and decide whether they deserve so much attention.

For instance, do you feel you're not smart enough for training/education, or feel worthless because you haven't got a job? Question the evidence you have on the opinions you hold. Are your beliefs really true, or are you being hard on yourself?
Whose voice are you hearing? The root of low self-esteem is often someone else's voice – a parental figure, or a person in authority. Work on silencing the voice by counterbalancing every negative thought with a positive one.
Think about the people you see on a daily basis, whether a friend, loved one or family member. If any of these people make you feel bad, try to distance yourself from them and resolve to not let their opinion bring you down.

How do I put myself in a positive frame of mind?

1. List all your good qualities, personality traits and the things you are good at doing. You may assume they're limited, but once you start a list you'll be surprised at what you can do, and also what you take for granted. People with low self-esteem often dismiss what they are good at as being easy or irrelevant, when the opposite is in fact true.

2. Carmelina suggests the following daily task to make you feel better and force your mind out of a negative spiral. At the end of every day, think of three good things that have happened to you: perhaps being given a compliment, getting a bus on time or laughing with a friend.

3. Set manageable goals. For instance, if you want to get into higher education, look into grants in your local area. If you don't know where to start in finding work, make an appointment with a careers advisor. Or even try an exciting new hobby. Feeling you are achieving something – no matter how small – will help bolster your self-esteem.

What else can help boost my confidence?

A huge amount of self-esteem can be gained from widening your skill base. You haven't missed the boat if you left school years ago, dropped out of college or even hated education because you weren't academic. What's important is to look at the skills you feel you are lacking or that you may need and work on ways to attain them.

By Anita Naik

Photo by volunteer photographer Zainabb Hull

Updated:14/04/2010

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Sign up for a mentor. Mentoring gives one-to-one emotional support, advice and guidance from an independent person. Try e-mentoring at the thebrightsidetrust.org or the Mentoring and Befriending Foundation.
Check out this video – five funny but accurate tips for building self-esteem.
Get to know yourself better. Ask friends and family to tell you all the good qualities they see that maybe you don't.
Learn to do something new. Meeting new people can increase your confidence and self-esteem and help you get you out of a negative mindset. For advice on careers, grants for higher education and guidance on funding, go to princes-trust.org.uk and connexions-direct.com, or call the Careers Advice Service on 0800 100 900 (0845 8502 502 for Scotland, 0800 100 900 for Wales).
Sign up for voluntary work or work experience. "This kind of work is not only good for your CV", says Carmelina, "it also gives you some good transferable skills, shows people you have a good work ethic and boosts your belief in yourself and your abilities."

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