Assertiveness

Do you say "yes" to things when you actually mean "no"? Do you find it difficult to celebrate your success when you do something well? The good news is you can be assertive without being mean, and you can blow your own trumpet without being big-headed - here's how...

What is assertiveness?

Assertiveness involves being clear about what you feel, what you need and how it can be achieved. Confidence coach, Fiona Taylor Hickman, says, "Being assertive requires confident, open body language and the ability to communicate calmly without attacking another person."

Assertiveness also involves:

• Saying "yes" when you want to, and saying "no" when you mean "no", rather than agreeing to do something just to please someone else
• Being confident about handling conflict
• Understanding how to negotiate if two people want different outcomes
• Being able to talk openly about yourself and listen to others
• Being able to give and receive positive and negative feedback
• Having a positive, optimistic outlook

Does it mean I have to be aggressive?

No, this is a common misconception. Aggression involves bottling up feelings that eventually explode, leaving no room for communication. By being aggressive, you put your wants, needs, and rights above those of others and always try to get your way. Assertiveness, on the other hand, tries to find a win-win solution.

What's in it for me?

Better communication, for starters. This can improve your relationships – both at home, at college and in the workplace.

"Lack of assertiveness can affect your relationships and quality of life, as you fail to communicate effectively and end up not getting what you want," explains Fiona. "Your family life, career prospects and stress levels can all be affected by lack of assertiveness."

"You can use assertiveness to promote yourself, too," says Fiona. "Get to know what your skills and talents are, write them down and then imagine you're a brand. How would you sell 'brand you' to a stranger? If you're organised and can work well in a team, be sure to tell a potential employer."

How do I improve my assertiveness?

By looking carefully at how you communicate with others, there are a number of ways in which you can begin to assert yourself, helping to improve your quality of life.

Body language: The way you hold yourself has an impact on how you're perceived and treated. Assertive people generally stand upright but in a relaxed manner, look people calmly in the eyes, with open and expressive hand gestures. Just standing in a confident, calm way can feel empowering.

The next time you talk to someone, try to assess yourself:

• Where are you looking?
• How would you describe your body position?
• Is your voice clear and confident?

Communication: It isn't just what you say that counts; it's the way you put it across. It helps to:

• Be honest with yourself about your own feelings
• Keep calm and stick to the point
• Be clear, specific and direct
• Listen to the other person's point of view, whilst ensuring that your message is clear
• Ask if you are unsure about something
• Always respect the rights and opinions of others
• Own what you say by using "I", e.g. it's more constructive to say, "I don't agree with you" than, "you're wrong"
• Remember, you have the right to make mistakes, and so does everyone else

Written by Lisa Clark

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