Dealing with setbacks

Life doesn't always go smoothly and there are times when things won't - and don't - go our way. So how can you cope better when the going gets tough?

"Learning to move on from a setback rather than dwelling on what went wrong is a good starting point."

Why do I beat myself up when things go wrong?

Setbacks such as loss, failure and rejection can make us feel disappointed, frustrated and sad. This can lead us to doubt our abilities and how we see ourselves. You may start thinking, "There was no way you were going to get that job. How could you think you'd be good enough?" or "You messed up again – what's new?"

If someone else said these things to you, you'd argue back, wouldn't you? But when we say them to ourselves, we don't – even though deep down we know they're false. There's no magic formula for dealing with hard times, but you can start to recognise negative, self-defeating thoughts and stop them in their tracks. You just need to develop a more optimistic outlook.

How do I do this?

Learning to move on from a setback rather than dwelling on what went wrong is a good starting point. Generally, people think about the world and their experiences in one of two ways, 'optimistically' or 'pessimistically'. Many of us use both styles at different times, but we all have one main style.

Optimists, or people who mainly have an optimistic style, tend to see setbacks as temporary and specific events. They don't believe that they necessarily caused the problem. For example, if an optimist doesn't do well on a test, they might say that the test was particularly hard rather than blame themselves for not being good at maths. Pessimists, on the other hand, are very negative in their outlook and always expect the worst to happen.

How do I deal with rejection?

Rejection may be hard to take initially, but it can easily be turned into a positive learning experience. "So you didn't get the job you wanted? Don't let it stop you applying for other jobs," says life coach Carole Anne Rice. "Ask the interviewer for feedback, that way you can learn from any mistakes and make sure you brush up on any areas that need improving before the next interview."

Why do I feel fearful about trying again?

It would be really easy to subscribe to the "it's too difficult, I'm not up to it" school of thought as soon as something goes wrong. That's fear talking, but the good news is, you're already equipped with everything you need to overcome that fear. "It's how you look at a problem that really counts," says Carole Anne. If you think in a negative way you'll often attract negative results. Keep telling yourself that you can overcome the problem, instead of inflating it with fears and doubts, and making it seem impossible to overcome. Take this assertiveness quiz to help you get started.

"If your problem seems impossible to solve, keep trying different approaches," says Carole Anne. "Examine it thoroughly from every angle so that you really know it and don't feel threatened or overwhelmed by it. It might mean taking deep breaths, taking some time out or asking for help, but don't ever be afraid to do that."

Updated:14/04/2010

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Take a break. Go for a walk, take deep breaths and listen to your favourite music. Fatigue and boredom combined causes burnout, which is one of the biggest reasons people quit. By allowing yourself time out, you'll be more productive in the long run.
Step back. Sometimes we get so absorbed in what we're doing that we develop a distorted picture of reality. Ask yourself, "What would someone without any emotional involvement do?" Distancing yourself from the situation can give you a more accurate perspective – there could be a simple solution that you're overlooking.
Think about a time when you've suffered a setback – maybe you didn't get the exam results you wanted – how did you deal with it? Setbacks are a part of making progress, so write these examples down and have them to hand to remind yourself that you can overcome problems when they arise.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. If you're at college or university, speak to a lecturer or your student services. In the workplace, speak to your manager or HR department. Organisations such as Acas and Citizens Advice can also give you personal advice about your situation and help you find a way to move forward.

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